No marriage is without its struggles, but sometimes, we can feel unloved or even hated by our spouse when things aren’t going well.
However, before doing so, you also have to look inside yourself and ask where these feelings are coming from in the first place.
Questions like “Why does my husband hate me?”, “Am I doing something wrong?”, or “Does he not love me anymore?” could be rooted in low self-esteem or the result of recent marital problems. They can also act as a guideline to unrealized issues.
It’s more than likely that your husband doesn’t hate you. However, that’s not to say there’s nothing wrong and that you should remain silent.
In this article, we’ll go over signs to look out for, reasons for your husband’s behavior, and how to get help.
Does My Husband Hate Me? The Signs to Look For
Every couple goes through hard times and ultimately, how your husband feels is out of your control. The same goes for his actions and how he chooses to handle confrontation and his emotions.
But persistent marital problems are more than just a “rough patch.” They can be signs of dissatisfaction or a lack of fulfillment in the marriage and may even indicate deeper issues like failing physical or mental health.
Whatever the cause may be, if there’s a problem, it’s always worth looking deeper.
If you suspect some ill feelings and want to begin addressing issues with your husband, here a few warnings to look for:
He avoids you and is both physically and mentally absent.
Consciously or unconsciously avoiding your spouse is a form of stonewalling. By not discussing issues or even engaging in polite conversation, your husband is creating a mental and physical barrier that is neither helpful nor healthy.
He’s no longer affectionate and doesn’t want to be intimate.
Sexual and romantic needs come and go in any marriage, but a sudden or steady decline in physical intimacy is reasonable cause for worry. Depending on other factors like family, age, work, and kids, a happy marriage should at least foster warmth, love, and care.
He doesn’t notice or is indifferent to your absence.
Making a marriage work isn’t easy, but it’s harder when you feel invisible. This is especially true if your husband is a workaholic and his career takes precedence over not only your relationship—but everything else that matters.
Alternatively, it may indicate that he’s a narcissist or has narcissistic tendencies and does not value your needs as highly as his own.
He forgets your birthday, anniversary, or other important days.
Forgetting a birthday or anniversary isn’t necessarily a deal-breaker. However, if you can’t remember the last time you celebrated an important day together, much less received an apology for a missed dinner date, it’s easy to feel neglected and unappreciated.
He refuses to get couples or marriage counseling.
There are many misconceptions about couples counseling and the good a marriage counselor can do—but outright refusing professional help when you need it the most will only make your marriage harder to fix.
He insults you and most conversations turn sour.
Sometimes, we lash out at the people we love the most and say things we don’t mean. But if conversations frequently turn hostile and your husband’s response is to insult or attack your character, this is considered verbal abuse and is never okay.
Be wary of this type of behavior. No one has the right to treat you cruelly, much less your husband.
You fight all the time.
Another red flag to look out for is constant fighting. You never seem to have normal conversations with your husband anymore, and both of you are almost always angry or upset.
If these fights ever turn physical and your husband hits, shoves, or grabs you, this is domestic violence and should never be tolerated. Likewise, if your husband uses these fights as an opportunity to put you down or gaslight you, this is a form of emotional abuse.
If you feel that you or anyone you know is in danger, do not hesitate to reach out to any one of the crisis resources listed here.
Reasons Why My Husband Might Hate Me
There may have been a time where your husband was your best friend. You told each other everything and looked forward to nights alone. Now, you barely spend time together. He’s grown cold or short-tempered. This is understandably heartbreaking and difficult for you to wrap your head around.
But it doesn’t mean your husband doesn’t love you anymore.
In fact, there’s a chance something else is going on—perhaps something you haven’t considered before.
To understand why your husband is treating you differently, here are a few things to keep in mind that might explain his behavior:
He feels constantly criticized.
Your husband loves you, but he may feel constantly criticized or degraded by you. Whether you mean to or not, it’s easy to get wrapped up in your own feelings and neglect how your words and actions affect him.
You take him for granted.
Marriage is a two-way street, but we often slip into narratives that our spouse lives and breathes for us. Though you should certainly be a priority in his life, you should never take your husband for granted or devalue his sacrifices.
You don’t instigate sex or he doesn’t feel you’re attracted to him.
If you and your husband have been together a while, it’s natural for either of your libidos to degrade or fluctuate due to age or medical conditions. However, that won’t stop your husband from wondering if he’s still sexy or desirable. If there are obvious signs of distress or apprehension in the bedroom, consider seeking professional help to rediscover and rekindle a healthy flame.
He thinks you are “nagging” him too much about things he can’t control.
Sometimes, when we are unhappy or frustrated with a certain person or situation, we peck insistently at our spouses for every little thing they did or didn’t do to make it better. This especially goes for things he cannot control, like a child’s failing grades or trouble at work.
He feels he can’t live up to your expectations.
Your husband loves you so he wants to make you proud. Unfortunately, he may feel like a failure because he has not reached certain goals, is struggling financially, or is somehow a bad person and therefore unworthy of you. As a result, he may act out in a self-destructive or negative way.
What Should I Do? Can I Fix This?
Have you ever heard the saying, “the only way to move forward is through”?
This is true for any difficult situation, including a failing or unhappy marriage. Although you’ll need your husband’s participation in order to mend your relationship, it doesn’t hurt to take the first step alone so he can follow after. (You’ve already done so much by acknowledging your emotions and reading this guide!)
To begin healing your marriage, here are a few things you can try out:
Figure out what’s really bothering him and talk it out.
How do you know if your husband hates you? Simple. Ask him.
Better yet, ask him about what’s been going on in his head and how you can fix it together. You’re not a mind reader and neither is your spouse.
Only through consistent communication and active listening can you learn how to move past anger and pain.
Put the family/children first.
At the end of the day, what really matters is our loved ones. Refocus your attention and start putting the kids first as partners. A troubled marriage can deeply affect a child and lead to emotional insecurity and poor grades.
If you don’t have children, reach out to other people you both love and care for, such as extended family members and close friends. Ask how your marriage is affecting them. It may provide you with useful insight.
Seek couples or marriage counseling.
There comes a point in any unhappy marriage where it’s time to speak to a counselor. Even if you have a hard time accepting that something is wrong, it doesn’t hurt to speak to a qualified professional. Together, you can create a step-by-step plan to help strengthen your marriage, improve communication, build listening skills, and even nurture self-love.
By working with Emote, you and your husband will have the chance to attend therapy on your own terms. No need to worry about babysitters or busy work life! With Emote’s online therapy and counseling services, you can work with your schedule rather than against it.
Get Support with Emote
In a tense or strained marriage, it’s hard to work things out when you barely speak to each other. But with time, patience, and most importantly help, you and your husband can learn how to be happy once more.
At Emote, our main priority is you and your mental health. Whether you’d like to schedule an appointment alone or with your significant other, a certified couple or marriage counselor can provide you with the tools and insight to better manage a difficult relationship or intimacy issues.
With Emote, you are not alone.
Sign up today and start your week of couples counseling for only $35. Gain access to affordable subscriptions, versatile scheduling options, and more.